The Final Ascendance

Now in 3D!

After the success of my previous columns, I've decided to write another, while I wait for the latest shipment of  “adoring fans” to arrive. This time, I've decided to, as is often done in the adventure game industry (There, a reference to adventure games, are you happy?), add a pointless gimmick. I'm going to stop reading this from being a purely textual experience, and add some colour, some life, some pictures. They say a picture counts for a thousand words, I hope they're right, since I've factored them all into the word-count.

However, I can't draw. Not at all. So I've gone for modern art, when you don't need talent, you just need to be able to talk earnestly about you pictures for a while, and ridicule anyone who points out that the canvas has just had toothpaste and half a Mars Bar smeared across it in a heart shape. A room with a light flashing on and off? If I wanted to see that, I'd sit at home in the garage, under the broken fluorescent light. But, of course, I can do better. So, I sat down with a blank sheet in front of me, and this is what I produced.

This seemed ever so slightly psychotic, though creatively inspired, so I thought I would draw a picture of a happier subject. I racked my brain for fun, happy topics which would cheer up anyone who saw my last work. I thought for a long time, and then it hit me, just as I was buying a golf ball. I don't play golf, but I just like to own the balls. I decided I would draw a rabbit, a cute, cuddly, fluffy little bunny. Here it is:

On reflection, this seemed slightly more psychotic than the last one, but I won't be showing any of this to my psychiatrist, so it really doesn't matter.  (But just in case: Dr Freizan, if you're reading this, I didn't mean what I said about the tracing paper and the 14 inch carrot, it was all a misunderstanding.

For my final attempt, I thought that if people were confused by my picture, they wouldn't know what to say about it, and to avoid looking stupid, would agree with whoever they were standing with, who is equally confused. A consensus would form, basically:

“I know that you don't get it, and I won't tell anyone if you don't tell anyone that I don't get it - lets just pretend we like it for a bit, then move on to the buffet table, I've heard they've got those peanuts with the red powder.”

This is a technique that has been used throughout the ages, by all the master painters. If you can explain the meaning of your picture, and no-one else gets it, it's art.

So, I thought: “What confuses people?”

I came up with this list:

• Question Marks
• The colours red, orange and yellow.
• Gradients
• Upside down things
  

So, my artwork had to be:

Wonderful, no?  I'm sure you saw the surrealist undertones, and the realist overtones, and the whole pointillist feeling to the piece helps to get my message across. And if you didn't, I think there's wrestling on tonight.

This whole exercise has a point. No, really. The adventure game industry, not so much now, but certainly in the past, has been far too eager to add gimmick features, or to change the format in a vain attempt to woo some hardcore action gamers.  Oh, I'm sure that when the average Quake 3 head saw Simon the Sorcerer 3D on the shelves, they were unsure at first, what with the butterflies and such, but when they saw it was 3D, well, they had to have it. The adventure game format needs to develop, and progress is good. Who can honestly say they want to return to the days of the text parsers, and spending hours working out how to phrase their command properly:

:LOOK

You see a clearing. There is a tree, a swing, and a mysterious door.

Exits lead north and east.

:SWING

I don't know that word.

:LOOK AT SWING

I cannot give you any more information

Score -2

:OPEN DOOR

Which door?

:THE MYSTERIOUS DOOR

What would you like to do to it?

:OPEN IT

Open what?

:OPEN THE MYSTERIOUS DOOR

It's not really a door. It's just a painting of a door, that's why it's so mysterious.

:CUT SWING

With what?

:CUT SWING WITH SWORD

You can either swing the sword, or cut with it, which one?

:CUT

Cut what?

:CUT THE SWING

With what?

Score -4

:CUT THE SWING WITH THE SWORD

No, that's just vandalism.

:NORTH

You have walked straight into a giant troll. The troll is not especially happy to see you, and makes his feelings known by pounding your skull into a paste, the consistency of tinned potato salad. Maybe you should look where you're going?

YOU ARE DEAD

You have scored -8 points out of a possible 236.

This gives you a ranking of Trained Chimp.

There is good change and there is bad change. Trying to add 3d, action elements to an adventure game is an example of bad change. The point and click interface is good change. Gimmicks are fun, and can make a game that little bit more enjoyable, but they shouldn't take the place of gameplay. Developers need to know what is important, that is gameplay and controls, and to a lesser degree, graphics and sound, and realise that gimmicks are not sale clinchers. “Oh, look, that game comes with Inventory time, when everything goes into slow motion when you look at the Inventory (both the e-zine and the game element). I'll buy it.” On reflection, that actually sounds quite cool, and isn't that good an example. Oh, well, at least I'm a better artist than you.

Yeah, well I've had my work displayed. On the Internet, and in Pizza Express - (the thinking man's Pizza Hut). On the walls. I was seven. All right, I wasn't seven, I just lied about my age. I needed the money. Okay, I just wanted the satisfaction of beating all the children. But mine was the best picture. Fine, I beat up the judges. Okay, I beat up the judges children. They were big for their ages - it could have gone either way at times. It was a fair fight, anyway. So? What wrong with using chloroform? It's a good tactic.

See ya real soon kids!

MrX, the genius behind the X-files, X-rated films and the X-men.

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