Mr X's 'Unique' Ramblings: Fan Fiction |
I know its been a long time since my last article, and you're all
probably curled up in little balls, wasting away from a lack of X-flavoured
goodness. But I've got a very good reason. I'm not going to tell you
though.First, a little warning. My previous articles have been weird.
This one is just lewd. Its full of four-letter words and references
to pornography. Its like late night channel 5 but with less reruns of
naughtiest blunders which consist of some poor presenter being savaged
by a koala and we're all supposed to be shocked when they swear. Or
a naked person wandering around in the background, oblivious to the
TV crew. Don't read it if you're going to be offended. Don't complain
about it if you are, since I told you not to. After some soul-searching, It seems like I've been neglecting a large
part of the audience for these articles - a 25 stone man named Nigel.
Nigel likes Star Trek Trivia and adult (adult as in "What large
breasts you have, Captain Janeway. Rather than books for adults. I mean
books for wankers. Literally.) fan fiction, and since my Klingon is
a little rusty, I'm going to talk about fan-fiction. But first, a little disclaimer. What I'm about to say refers to most
fan-fiction. It does not refer to that which you write, dear reader,
if this happens to be a hobby of yours, which is well plotted and contains
sparkling dialogue, much like that written by the young Shakespeare.
No, I'm going to talk about that other guys work. You know, the stuff
you don't like - that's right, the one who said evil Spiderman would
beat Buffy the Vampire Slayer in a fight, when everyone knows Buffy
would just use her magic axe of Mordor, which she gets in chapter 26
of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer in Middle-Earth with Xena and the good-looking
women from Star Trek'. With that out of the way, my impressions of fanfiction is this - stories
written by people with no imagination. They can't think up their own
characters, so they just steal the ones they like from other people,
and then write them into situations. Its one step up from the stories
you used to write when you were little, starring yourself and all your
friends. Now, don't get me wrong, that's all very nice. I've no problem
with people writing new adventures for their favourite charactors. Not
everyone can be a creative genius. Now, gentle reader, I have a confession to make. I wrote this all
some time ago, and have returned to it now, and forgotten exactly what
my point was going to be. I've mellowed over time, and now don't really
care about fanfiction at all. So, I've chosen to write about something
else that pisses me off, and something else Nigel will be familiar with,
and this is pornographic spam. The kind I get tonnes of in my hotmail
address. I find it quite insulting that all these messages assume the
same thing - that I'm not getting any wild rampant sex from my significant
other, and that I would like alter this situation by purchasing dubious
tablets from them. (An aside - who would actually take tablets bought from a porn site? I mean, you'd be lucky if they were just sugar pills, and not rat poison or flea powder. ) But, if I want to do this, all I've got to do is to surf on over to one of the millions of porn sites and do this. And this goes for everyone else too. And there is nothing particularly wrong with that. Provided they do it in the privacy of their own homes, who cares?
Now, imagine me trying to eat this branflaky ambrosia (Ambrosia is the food of the gods. It's also a type of custard. I mean the god thing, 'cos branflakes with custard would be heresy. It must be semi-skimmed milk, or go without.) whilst images (Which the spammer so thoughfully provided) of this particular 'Mature Mom' waft through my mind.
Also, any complaints, write them out, then send them using a ultra hi-tech Binary Interface Node, which will whisk them straight to my desk. You probably have one in the room you are sitting in. Just look for any B.I.N, and put it in there. Thankyou, and Goodnight!
Mr X, the only pseudonym approved by 72% of chipmonks (including Alvin, Simon and Theodore.) (Only super-cool people will get that.) |
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